So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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