a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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