ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
