Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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