What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
