hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
