My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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