i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
