HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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