I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
