You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
