There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
