trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
