My hand turned me down
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
