guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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