Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
