I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
