I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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