i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
