Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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