I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
