just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.