I want to make a zoo with you.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
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I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
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He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night