your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
21 Distraught People Found Out They Had An STD
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head