wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
