We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
