we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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