nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
