I want to walk on stilts...naked
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
