saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
