you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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