True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
