I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
