i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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