Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
