he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
