but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
