You just made me feel so damn special
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
