I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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