there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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