Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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