quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
