just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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