I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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