I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
