after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Randomize
