Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
