Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
