God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It was a blind-side dick pic.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
