I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
