If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
