Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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