If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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