Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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