omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
