i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
All I want is dick and wine.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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