Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
