i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
