So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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