he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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