Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
