I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
